Monster
by ccQTccQT
Summary: "No, Freddie, don't you see. I'm just ruining everyone's life, I don't deserve anyone. Everytime I get involved with anything, well, it never goes right. I'm unnecessary. I'm a life ruiner."..."I'm a monster" T for abuse. Not what you think it is!
1. Chapter 1

Monster

Summary: It started with a fight. Sam has a number of bruises on her body but not for your typical reason, eventual Seddie.

Chapter One – The beginning

Sam, Carly, and Freddie lounged in the iCarly studio one Friday evening. Randomly, Carly announced, "I have to use the bathroom. Don't kill each other," as she flounced out.

"Fredturd," Sam commanded, "Pass me a fatshake! It's by your laptop."

Freddie groaned, "Ugh, Sam, get it yourself. I'm kinda busy here rewiring the-"

"No one cares," Sam interrupted as she tried to grab the fatshake accidentally spewing pink liquid all over Freddie's equipment. '_Oh no,' _she thought. For the past months, every insult, bruise, beating she'd given to Freddie were slowly eating at her. Making her feel _guilty, _horribly, terribly _guilty._ Most days she ignored the guilt and others she felt nauseous. She was really, really trying to work on her anger so this guilt thing would go away. But sometimes, she just slipped.

Freddie cried, "SAM! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?"

Sam began, "Sorry, it was an-"

Freddie snarled, "This was so accident and you know it. God, you're horrible!"

Sam, angry, replied, "Well you're an idiotic nerd and I didn't mean to-"

Freddie continued, "You're ALWAYS pranking me, ALWAYS hurting me, ALL THE TIME! I hate you, I hate you I swear! No one likes you, because you-you manipulate, you destroy, you ruin EVERYTHING! It took me 3 years to get that equipment and you ruined it all in one stupid PRANK! Everybody's going to leave you, _Puckett! _Just like your Dad and your sister! You know why? Because you're a bitch, a demon, a devil. YOU'RE A MONSTER! Because monsters destroy and wreck until they destroy themselves!"

Sam felt her breath get heavy and her eyes got itchy. All the guilt was eating ate her freshly with Freddie's harsh words. Tears began to flow down her face as she, oddly enough, accepted his words as the truth. She whimpered, "You're right. I'm a monster."

Freddie felt immediately guilty but the damage was done. The beginning of the downward spiral of Samantha Puckett was just beginning, and nobody even had a clue.

"Sam, I-" Freddie began, but Sam already sprinted out of the iCarly studio, down the steps, and out of Bushwell, her sobs echoing through the stairwell and maximized in Freddie's ears.

Sam thought, _'He's so right. All I ever do is hurt people. Carly, Melanie, Gibby, Dad, of course Freddie, Spencer, and M-Mom too. Nobody loves me. Nobody loves me.'_ Sam finally reached her empty house. On the table was the large sum of money her mom left her before the _incident _that fateful Tuesday.

Sam immediately turned off her phone and dove into the couch, dissolving into a deep sleep…

_Sam stood alone wearing a white robe in a completely white room. "Mom? Dad?" she called, "Hello?" She heard a murmur of voices. _

"_Sam," they grumbled, "Sam, Sam, SAM!" The voices solidified into a large gaggle of faces. First was Gibby's round face, full of bruises left there by Sam _**(A/N. Beware, this dream is creepy and also note that the some bruises are metaphorical representations of insults as well which is a **_**bruise **_**on an ego, self-esteem etc. Also, Sam dramatizes the bruises and makes them seem worse than they actually were but the guilt inside of her makes them more dramatic.) **

_Gibby murmured, "You've hurt me, Sam. Like those Texas wedgies. You can't fix it, ever. These will remain forever and it's all your fault." Sam felt her breath catch as she tried to examine him but his face quickly morphed into Carly's face._

_Her porcelain skin was full of mellower bruises, "See these bruises Sam? You never hit me or insulted me, but you've everyone I love. And that hurts me, Sam. Just leave everyone alone. It's all your fault, and you can't fix it. You can never fix it."_

"_Carly," Sam tried, but her voice wouldn't work for some reason. _

_Carly continued as she faded away, "Sometimes I wish we never met. You can't fix it. Can't fix it. Can't fix it."_

_Her father's face came into view, his full of scars and blood. He growled, "Sam, remember that horrible fight your mother and I had? The one before the accident? When you got lost at the park with me? Your mom never forgave me. Then you tried to fix everything then before we knew what happened, I tried to push you away from that truck and…I didn't make it. Don't you see, you can't fix this either, I'm gone and it's all your fault. All your fault. All your fault."_

_Sam was sobbing as her father faded but her voice was unable to work. She tried to scream out to him but her attempts were fruitless. Her father morphed into Melanie's face which was covered in tiny cuts and welts. "Sam," she whispered, "You hurt me Sam, all the time. Like when we shared a bed as kids and you always kicked me off? Or when you spread that rumor that I was a lesbian and nobody talked to for a month? And when we were little and you fought me for the last cookie in the jar and I ended up with a black eye and you got the chocolate chip cookie? Did you even care? Because even though you can't fix it, you should at least tried to."_

_Sam reached for her sister's face but it altered into the familiar, clear, heartbroken face of her mother. Her mother with short, choppy blonde locks. Sam was barely able to croak, "Mom," before her mother silenced her with a look._

"_Sam, she began, "Where do I begin? You always were a disappointment. You hurt me Sam because, you didn't care about me. Like, when I was hung-over or those guys left me or I was just depressed, you were never there for me. You just went off to Carly's, escaping me. You're grades, your persona, everything about you just brought me shame. And that's why I really did it. That's why I overdosed, because you hurt me too much to live anymore." _

_Sam was a waterfall as waves of tears trickled down her face and down her skin. Then, the final face emerged in front of her. He had brown hair and chocolate eyes. He looked horrible. His eyes were pained and his face was written on in black marker and his face was purple with bruises. Blood ran down the side of his face and his lip was bloody as well. The lettering on his face was all the insults Sam had thrown at him through the years. From techboy to Fredlame, every name, every jeer, every taunt was covering his face._

_His gentle voice was full of hurt. "Sam, you are hell defined as a person. You have completely destroyed me. You always call me horrible names and make me feel less than a human being. You joke that I'm your little punching bag and it's true. You hit me, kick me, beat me up, and treat me like I'm nothing. Not even worthy of your presence. You really are a monster. And you know I'll come back to you, like I always do, but we both know I'll always hate you. It's just to make Carly hurt less, but I never forgive you, I never will. Because monsters can't fix, they only destroy. You can't fix me, or anyone else. You can't fix anything. Ever. Can't fix it."_

_Sam clutched her knees and wept but suddenly she felt herself falling into a deep, black abyss. Everyone's voices clouded as they repeated themselves and grew louder, larger, and closer to her. He felt her clothing stained with everyone's bruises as they seemed to fall on her, weighing her down a thousand pounds. She could hear liquid at the bottom of the abyss and turned to see a lake of everyone's blood that she had spilled (internally and externally) waiting for her. Her voice seemingly returned out of nowhere as she screamed, "I can fix it, I will fix it, I can fix it, I will fix it!"_

Sam jerked awake, screaming and holding her legs. Tears ran down her face but she didn't bother to wipe them. She whimpered, "I will fix it. I promise. I can fix this."

Without thinking, and still in a dreamlike manner, Sam glanced at her own arm. She thought, _'What right does my arm deserve to perfect and smooth and clean while all their faces, all of them, I did that to them. With this arm. This stupid, horrible, wicked-' _WHACK! Sam whacked her right arm with all her might. She clutched it and cried at the pain. But for some reason, Sam felt like it was deserved. She murmured, "I deserve this. I'm a monster. This will make the monster go away."

She glanced at her other arm in horror and hit it against a wall until a large, purplish bruise formed beneath her skin. Sam almost grinned, satisfied, and clawed at her arms. Sam repeated all these actions to both arms until they were both aching and she was crying and they were covered in bruises and blood.

Then, the heavy weight in her heart, felt the teensiest, tiniest, littlest bit better.


	2. Chapter 2

Monster

Summary: It started with a fight. Sam has a number of bruises on her body but not for your typical reason, eventual Seddie.

Chapter 2 – There's 'LIES' in Apo**L**og**IES**

The next morning in school, Sam wore a black long sleeved thermal but somehow, she felt as though her skin was exposed. Every few minutes, she pulled down the sleeves ensuring that no one would see her marks. She vowed to herself that she would not let anyone know this little, 'secret' of hers. She had to make it up to everyone. She would do better in school so that she wouldn't be a failure to her dead parents. She had applied for a job before school so that she could prove that she was worth something. Plus, she could pay everyone back for every time she had stolen money or borrowed money.

As she stuffed her books into her locker, Freddie Benson approached. She furrowed her brow and her breaths became short. Was he going to yell at her again? Was he going to ignore her? She didn't have any more time to ponder anything because Freddie gently said, "Sam?"

Sam could barely speak; she felt her eyes get itchy. _Damn it, stop crying! You've hurt him enough, you witch, you monster. _She croaked, "Yeah?"

Freddie continued, "I'm really, really sorry, Sam. I didn't mean to get that far and I was just so frustrated, but I didn't mean anything I said, honestly. I really regret everyt-"

"It's fine," Sam cut in, suddenly. She wouldn't meet his eyes but stared at her locker, not moving. "Trust me, I'm fine."

Freddie pleaded, "Please. I know that you're still mad at me. Hit me, hurt me, insult me, do-"

"No." Sam growled, her voice low and her eyes pained, yet murderous. She looked straight at Freddie, "If it's the last thing I do, I will never hurt you again, Freddie."

Freddie brushed a curl away from her face. He begged, "No, Sam, don't you see? That's how things will be back to normal. You and me, fighting all the time. That's how it is. That's how it's supposed to be."

Sam looked at Freddie. His eyes were guilty and his face was contorted in pain. She could change all that. She could fix it! By hurting him. By insulting him. This was so messed up. The voice in her head snarled, _you're hurting him either way, Sam. You'll pay for this later. You know you will, Sam. Cause that's the only way to fix it. This is the easy way out, Sam. If you insult him now, you're taking the easy path._

Sam murmured, "Whatever, nub, you're a dork. Just forget it." She literally felt her tiny dinner from last night rise up from her stomach and she felt nauseous as she insulted Freddie. His face relaxed as hers contorted into pain. They had traded faces. She mumbled, "Bad bacon this morning. Gotta go." She sprinted to the bathroom and stood over the toilet, puking her insides out. She glanced up and in the chrome reflection of the toilet, for a spilt second, she saw a horrible humanoid monster with talons and red eyes and green skin glaring at her.

After school, Sam received a text from Carly asking if she wanted to hang out after school. Sam replied that she had to help her mom repaint the garage. That they were trying to 'bond'. But it was a lie. Sam had indeed gotten an after-school job. She worked cleaning the bathrooms at a gas station. It was the slimiest, grossest, most disgusting job, but she earned decent pay.

Her boss was most likely a pedophile from the way he stared at her. He invited her into his office as her shift ended but she politely declined, much to his dismay. She quickly scurried home and fell into the couch. She sobbed into the couch pillows for who know how long. All she knew is that she ended up falling asleep again. Her dream from yesterday reappeared. All the sights and sounds were the same. She still felt helpless and she had no choice but to listen to all her actions spat back into her face. When Sam woke up again, she was crying as usual.

Sam's voice in her head laughed maliciously, _Try and fix it, Sammy! You know how._

Sam tore off her shirt but frowned as the bruises from yesterday hadn't cleared up. She sighed and looked at her lean legs. The legs that ran away after each mugging. The legs that kicked Freddie and Gibby while they were down. Those stupid, long le-

WHAM! Sam wondered how the TV remote was in her hands to begin with, but it was the instrument she used in her leg. She did this a numerous amount of times. And with each blow, she sniffled and choked back a sob, but it was worth it. Because by the end, her thighs were covered in large black and purple bruises. She smiled wryly and looked at her crazed reflection in the TV mirror. She hated herself, she truly despised herself.

Then, the heavy weight in her heart, felt the teensiest, tiniest, littlest bit better.


	3. Chapter 3

Monster

Summary: It started with a fight. Sam has a number of bruises on her body but not for your typical reason, eventual Seddie.

Chapter 3 – The Downward Spiral and the Crossroads

Sam didn't smile anymore. The voice in her head sneered, _Why should YOU smile? Why should YOUR life be great while all the people you 'love' suffer? You don't deserve to smile. _So she stopped smiling and laughing. The last time anyone saw her smile was when she got her first A on her report card. But after that, the voice told her to stop. So she did.

Sam barely ate anything anymore. She wasn't anorexic, but she didn't touch her food as much. When questioned, she simply replied, "Um, I'm trying this new diet. I _am _a teenage girl, y'know." The voice in her head jeered, _Why would you eat? Don't you get it? No ONE is proud of a pig that just vacuums everything up! Samantha Puckett, the human vacuum. Ha!_

Sam could barely sleep at night. Her dreams were always the same nightmare from 3 months ago that started it all.

Occasionally, Sam would see flashes if she looked at her reflection. It was this horrible monster with greenish-grayish leathery skin. It's teeth were sharp and yellow. It's eyes were flaming red and it had wild blonde curls. It was in the figure of a young woman but it had long, sharp claws and talons. Enormous, leathery wings sprouted from its back. But Sam recognized it as a representation of herself. It haunted her too as she would see it randomly only to look again and see nothing.

People noticed that she was different, however. Carly said once as they were painting their nails at Carly's house, "Sam, you've changed. What's wrong? You're my best friend and I miss you. I never see you anymore Sam. Do you wanna talk about it?"

Sam nervously replied, "There's nothing to talk about. Can you pass me the black nail polish?" And after that, Sam never was alone with Carly again.

And once, Freddie cornered her after school. He pressed, "Carly's really worried about you Sam. So am I! Please, just talk to me. Tell me what's going on. Please."

Sam shook her head, "Nothing's wrong. I-I just, I gotta go. But trust me, nothing's wrong." Sam avoided being alone with Freddie as well.

Spencer, Gibby, and even Mrs. Benson all asked Sam what was wrong but she avoided the questions and lied.

Every night, Sam always found herself hitting herself. Trying to get rid of the monster and tarnish the guilt. It started off with the TV remote, then she progressed to wooden spoons, next belts and chains, now, it was everything and anything she could get her hands on was used to punish herself.

One night, however, she just couldn't take it anymore. She was a sobbing mess. Her boss had just called her into his office and she couldn't refuse-her life was at risk. He forced himself onto her and Sam just felt so lost and broken.

She walked and walked until she reached the nearest bridge. She whimpered, "Goodbye Freddie. I'm so sorry. I'm just trying to get rid of the monster." Sam climbed over the ledge and held her breath as she got ready to jump.

"STOP!" a voice shrieked. From a large, black Mercedes-Benz, a young woman with ruby red lipstick and a neat blonde bob emerged. She wore sunglasses even though it was dark and was dressed in a simple black tee and jeans. "What are you doing?" She hissed.

Sam sputtered, "I can't take it anymore."

The woman groaned, "What, life? What happened, hmm? Let me guess, you saw your best friend kissing the guy you think you love. Or wait, you found out you're pregnant and your mom's going to 'kill you', Well honey, there are people in this world worse off than you. So please, do me a favor and go back home, trust me. You don't want to do this."

Sam spat as she spun around, "Yeah, well maybe I do. And _honey, _you know nothing about me," Sam felt her eyes get wet again, "You don't know that I practically caused my father's death. You don't know that my mom committed suicide because of me. You don't know that I got frickin' raped today at my job because I have no money and I needed that job! And you don't know that everyone, _everyone _I get close to, I hurt them. Real bad. And you definitely don't know that I'm a monster. A horrible wretched monster that doesn't deserve to even live. So yeah lady, I _do _want to do this."

The lady took off her sunglasses revealing bright green eyes. She was gorgeous. Her features were beautiful and natural. Her makeup was barely noticeable and her eyes, brimming with tears, were full of compassion. "Look, sweetheart, you don't know me and you're right, I don't know you. But what I _do _know is that no one should ever have to resort to this. And yeah, your life is pretty screwed up right now. Mine was too. But then, I decided I wasn't going to sit down and take it. So I didn't. Now, I'll tell you more about me some other time, but seeing as you have no guardians, you're coming with me."

Sam insisted, "Um, I don't know you lady, hell, I don't even know your name!"

The lady smiled, "Angela. I'm Angela Simmons. And you are?"

Sam replied, "Sam. That's all you need to know right now. But, look, you're a bit sketchy. I mean, you just come out of nowhere. Then you offer to _help _me? Don't you have something else today? Like go spend money or something because it looks like you have no problem with that."

Angela nodded wryly, "You're right. I'm suspicious. But you've got nowhere else to go. Are you coming or not?"

Sam hesitated. If she went with Angela, there was a chance that things could get better. If not, she would remain the same, probably at this same spot another day. Sam opened her mouth to reply.


	4. Chapter 4

Monster

_**Thanks so much for all the reviews! They really make my day! **____** I love you all and though this story is kind of sad and depressing, I love it because it's really moving. I hope you all had great holidays :)**_

Chapter 4 – The Choice

Sam hesitantly whispered, "Yeah, I'm coming," with the hopes that maybe she could get rid of the monster. As she climbed into the fancy car she mumbled, "I hope that this isn't a mistake."

Angela began, "You don't have to tell me everything. You don't have to tell me anything. But I will tell you everything and anything, should you ask it."

Sam asked, "Why are you helping me? And who _are _you? Why should I even trust you?"

Angela swallowed, "Because, Sam Puckett, I'm your half-sister."

Sam gasped, "N-no, you _can't _be! Unless,"

"Unless one of your parents had an affair, that's right. Your dad had an affair with my mother sometime before you or Melanie was born. The weird thing is that your dad and my mom kept seeing each other after my mom got pregnant and even after I was born. He kept visiting me and my mom until the day he died."

Sam gasped again, "Oh my god, that's why they fought! My mom found out, didn't she! That's why she was so angry _and _heartbroken when my dad died. I always thought she was mad at me."

Angela nodded, "It's my entire stupid fault. If I wasn't born, then my dad would not have felt obligated to keep visiting us. Then, your mom wouldn't have gotten mad that day and he wouldn't have died." Angela quickly wiped away a tear that threatened to fall.

Sam replied, "If you weren't born then I probably would've been flinging myself off a bridge right now."

Angela smiled gratefully before answering more of Sam's questions. Sam questioned, "So, how come I never met you?"

Angela looked over at Sam with an eyebrow raised. "C'mon, your mom thinks I'm a child from hell and our mothers hate each other. Speaking of your mom, I'm sorry for your loss, I heard about your loss. Who are you staying with?"

Sam looked at her hands and mumbled, "You were right earlier when you said I have nowhere to go. I don't live with anyone. I needed that job to pay for our house because I c-can't sell it. Mel won't have anywhere to come home during the holidays and there are so many memories in that house."

Angela nodded sympathetically before she said, "But you can't live by yourself and I understand that you love that house, but I can't let you do that."

Sam grumbled, "I don't need your permission."

Angela nodded again, "True, but I'm all you've got and you're all I've got too. Well, you and Junior, that is."

Sam asked, "Junior? Is that another half-sibling?"

Sam expected Angela to smile or chuckle, but instead she stiffened and replied coldly, "You'll see soon."

Sam glanced out the window and noticed they were approaching a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Sam frowned, "Where are we going?"

Angela replied, normally, "My home. It's not much but-"

"It'll do," Sam finished. "My, er, _our _dad used to say that all the time."

Angela smiled wryly, "Yeah. So you're probably wondering how I knew it was you sitting on the bridge and how I know so much about you, right?"

Sam nodded once, "Yeah, kinda."

Angela answered, "Well, when dad would leave all the time, he explained it to me as just like I had two parents, he had two families. I don't know how he explained it or why it worked it, but it just did. I would want to know everything about this 'other' family and I hoped that if I was more like the other family that he would stay longer. But as I grew older, I hated him and my mother because I found out that what he did was wrong and immoral. The last time he visited, I told him to stay the hell away from us because I was just fed up. I was just being a stupid teenager though. I was about 14 at the time."

Sam responded, "I was only 5. You knew him more than I did. Hey, is this your house?" Angela pulled up to a small, one story house that was a dingy white and had visible signs of wear and tear. However, the bluebell flowers in the yard were obviously well-cared for. A beat-up red truck was parked in the gravel beside them. From the house, a pretty young woman with tanned skin and long silky chestnut hair emerged. She was carrying a toddler over her shoulder as she emerged barefoot.

Angela grinned, "Yeah and that is-"

"ANGIE!" the lady screeched. "I _told _you I couldn't stay long. This CHILD is driving me crazy! And where have you-who the hell is that?"

Angela smiled wider, "This is my half-sister, Sam. I found her on my way home. And don't insult Junior. Sam, this is my best friend/baby nanny, Mariana."

"Hola," Mariana greeted. "My parents are from Mexico but I was born in New York and I go to college here in Seattle. I hate the East Coast."

Sam, for the first time in ages, cracked a smile. The muscles in her face were actually so used to frowning or remaining emotionless that it almost _hurt. _Something about Mariana was resilient and beautiful. It gave Sam hope.

Later as Angela gave Sam some clothes to sleep, Sam changed in the only bathroom. The bruises on her body were still very apparent and as she removed her clothes her head flashed back to the incident at her job earlier… Tears threatened to spill as she just felt so, _so __**dirty **_and _**disgusting. **_

She winced as she thought of the slimy way he touched her and between her legs had been painful all night. She felt soiled and corrupted. She felt defiled and fouled. She needed a desperate shower. Sam slid into the shower and tried to scrub her skin but each bruise hurt to touch. She finally just stood in the shower with tears running down her cheeks and water cascading over her body. She used some of Angela's shampoo in her hair as well.

After standing in the shower until God knows when, Sam turned off the water and stepped out of the shower but was not anticipating Angela being there. Angela, thankfully, was not facing her so she didn't notice Sam hastily hide all the bruises by hopping back into the shower to change. _That was too close, _Sam thought.

Sam, fully clothed and wearing long pants and a long top, crept to where Angela sat. The living room was also a dining room and was connected to the small kitchen. The kitchen consisted of a stove, microwave, and oven. The cupboards had about 200 flimsy and cheap paper plates and cups. Angela was watching TV on the couch but her eyes were glassy and she was curled up in a ball. Mariana had left a while before Sam even showered. Sam coughed quietly and Angela's head jerked up.

Angela smiled and motioned for Sam to sit on the couch with her. "Hey," she said.

Sam simply replied, "Hey."

Angela said after a few minutes, "I just put Junior to bed. I hope that he's okay. Mariana said he's been kind of sick lately and-"

"So are you gonna tell me about him? Or do I have to ask?" Sam rudely interrupted.

Angela sighed, "I was pregnant with Junior when I was in my senior of high school. I was a smart kid. I got a scholarship for college on the East Coast. But then I got pregnant with Junior. My boyfriend and I used to come here to fool around and one time we were careless. Anyways, Junior's dad was supportive until the baby came. Then, I guess it really hit him. We moved in together here for a few months but then it just became so hard juggling school and work and the baby that he backed out. My mom ran off with some guy when I found out I was pregnant so she was no help. I met Mariana one day and we became such best friends. But she's lucky. Her trust fund in bottomless and so she pays her way through college. But she isn't a dainty Spanish Barbie. She was tough and she's been through so much. She takes care of Junior after school for me while I work and her parents watch him when I'm at school. Mariana forced me into community college. I pay for everything myself though. But anyways, things are kind of tough here but, me and Mariana, we make it work. I have an extra room because she stays here sometimes and I always have it ready for her. You'll find some of her clothes scattered everywhere but you can sleep there if you want. It's the last door on the right after you pass the bathroom."

Sam nodded, "Thanks, Angela, for everything. I mean, the clothes, the shelter, everything. I really needed someone today and thanks so much."

Angela grinned, "Please, I never would have made it if I didn't have people there for me when I needed them and so I just really want to be there for my little, erm, sister if she needs me."

Sam turned away and was about to take a step when she heard Angela call out, "Sam?"

"Yeah?" Sam replied as she whirled around.

"I know you don't want to, but if you want to talk to me I'm here. Now, is there anything you want to talk to me about? Anything at all?" Angela's green eyes pierced Sam's blue ones and Sam could almost feel her resolve crumbling. She thought of the bruises, the beatings, the nightmares, and the haunting monster. She thought of the tears, sweat and blood she shed. She thought of everyone she hurt and answered.

"No. No, I'm fine, thanks. Good night, Angela." Sam answered before disappearing down the dark hallway.

**Thanks for reading! :) Please review because it really makes my day! I hope you all had wonderful holidays! I did! Anyways, I'll try to crank out as many chapters as possible before school starts again because when school starts (Jan.10) I'll be super busy again **


	5. Chapter 5

Monster

Chapter 5 –The First Night

Sam continued down the corridor and slipped into her temporary room. She locked the door and stuffed a pillow from the bed into her mouth. Her routine punishment came into order as the voice in her head directed. Sam learned that now the voice in her head only sneered and jeered at her at night-during punishment. Also, Sam learned that the pain became more routine-more normal.

After Sam punished herself for her usual mistakes and such, she often reflected on those arose her and this night was no different. Sam dried her tears and thought about the last time she spoke to Carly or Freddie. It was a few nights before….

_Sam and Carly just finished another webcast. Sam was faking everything and was quieter and less focused. She 'coasted' during the show. After the show, Sam murmured, "I'd better go home now."_

_Carly said firmly, "We all need to talk. Freddie, you too." Freddie frowned but plopped on a beanbag chair. Sam cautiously sat on a beanbag chair as well; she winced as a fresh bruise rubbed the clothes she wore as her body shifted. _

_Carly began, "Sam, you've been distant and quiet lately and it's really apparent and quite frankly depressing. You're-you're here but you're not. You know what I mean? I mean, you go through the motions of everyday life but you don't think about it or enjoy it anymore! What's wrong with you? Please, tell me, tell us! You know what I mean? It's like-"_

_Freddie interrupted, "It's like you're alive but you're not living. Your heart is beating but it's like you're dead. Right, Carly?"_

_Carly nodded sadly as her eyes became wet. She said, her voice quivering, "So please, if you're my friend, my best friend, just tell me what's wrong. If you don't tell me," she paused as a tear rolled down her cheek, "If you don't tell me what is wrong with you then, then, we're not friends anymore, Sam. I can't deal with this! You're really hurting everyone, Sam, by being like this. And worst of all, you're hurting yourself." _**(A/N: Oh, the irony) **

_Sam, whose eyes were glistening as well, looked up at Carly as tears began to fall down her face as well. "I'm sorry, Carly. I'm sorry, Freddie. I'm sorry to you guys and everyone," Sam's voice broke, but she continued, "I'm just so damn sorry. I'm done hurting you guys." Sam stood up and with one last glance at Freddie and Carly, she walked out of the iCarly studio, for the last time._

Sam was doing fine at school but she blocked everything out. She skipped lunch daily to hide out in an empty classroom or on the grass lawns and just think. She knew that somewhere deep down, that she wasn't really Sam Puckett anymore. And the scary thing is, she preferred it that way.

As Sam slept, a weird thing happened with her dream – the part where her father usually yelled at her, he wasn't there anymore. Her father's face appeared at first, but then his voice and his image faded out to nothing. Instead, Angela's face appeared. It was bright and radiant. It was hopeful and beautiful. The conversation from the car was replayed by Angela. With Angela's arrival was one ray of sunlight in Sam's bleak existence. It was a beacon of hope.


	6. Chapter 6

Monster Chapter 6

**I am SO sorry for not updating since last year. Honestly, there is no good excuse that will make it up to guys other than a combination of laziness, forgetfulness, and lots of work. I owe you guys SO many chapters and I feel like such a hypocrite…I'm sorry! Please, please forgive me! I hope the next couple of chapters will make up for the long hiatus!**

**I thought I would let you guys have a break from Sam's point of view and enter into Freddie's for a little bit….**

Freddie POV

The last few months of Freddie's life have been gloomy. He felt horrible after the plan he and Carly came up with failed. Sam was his best friend and secretly, she was and still is someone Freddie had feelings for. It was not like one day that he woke up and realized it. It began with the way she would absently tap her foot when a rock song came on. Or when she would angle her face just right and hypnotize him with her clear, blue eyes. Or when her face exploded with glee every time she nailed someone with a water balloon. Or when the light hit her golden locks and created a halo around her frame. Or when she would sniffle when she thought no one was paying attention. Or when she would just look at him and he suddenly wanted to know everything about her. It was the little things that intrigued Freddie about Sam and made his heart flutter for a moment. It made him want to dance in glee but also run far, far away.

It made Freddie so mad and upset that he felt this way and she probably didn't – that she had found yet _another _way to control him, manipulate him, and she didn't even _know _it. He had gotten so angry that day at the studio, mostly due to the fatshake, but also a combination of his recent revelations and how it just _proved _that she would never love him. He didn't mean for the words to come out the way they did – he didn't mean them for a second.

The look in her eyes after he said what he did would forever haunt him. All he saw were crystal orbs like the ocean slowly harden into ice. He saw pain, hurt, sadness, but the most confusing of all was _acceptance. _Almost as if she agreed with what Freddie yelled. He tried to shake it off, but sometimes, when he was alone, her eyes would appear in his mind and he would sit there, just contemplating what Sam was feeling. Her eyes from that day forth were always blank and pained. Even until the last time he had seen her – in the iCarly studio.

"Freddie," Carly snapped for the third time.

Freddie's attention snapped back to the scowling brunette walking home from school beside him. "Yeah?" he murmured.

"We need to find Sam; it's been about a week since the incident. Let's at least go over to her house and try to apologize. She's – She's my best friend." Carly's eyes were downcast and she fumbled nervously with her hoodie strings.

"What if she's not there? I mean, what if she figured we'd go there and has been hiding out after school?"

Carly frowned but replied, "Well, we have to try."

Carly and Freddie arrived at what was once Sam's house. There was a notice on the door stating that the house had been seized due to lack of payment. Carly began to break down once she read the orange paper. "NO! NO! SAM! WHERE ARE YOU? I'M SORRY! NO! SAM! SAM! NO!" Freddie was stone cold as his brain tried to process the information. A lone tear crawled down his cheek as it sunk in – Sam was gone. Still, he wasn't making as much a scene as Carly. Her sobs echoed for blocks until Sam's cranky neighbor waddled over to where Carly and Freddie stood.

Sam's neighbor groaned, "Keep it down! If you're here to pay your respects, you're about 3 months too late."

Carly lowered her sobbing and whimpered, "W-what?"

Sam's neighbor rolled his beady eyes, "C'mon, you _must've _known that Pam Puckett OD'ed. She's dead. Buried and gone for 3 months."

Carly's eyes bulged out of her head, "WHAT? Pam Puckett's been, Pam Puckett, Pam, DEAD?" She began to mutter incoherently.

The neighbor awkwardly shifted his weight to his other leg then back before continuing, "Her little girl used to try to keep living here but she hasn't been by for the past week and the money has been due so the house is now for the feds."

Freddie remained where he was as his mind searched Sam's behavior for the last couple of months. _That's why she's been so out of it_, he thought, _she just lost her mother. _Although there was a nagging telling Freddie that there was more to it than let on because the first thought that then entered his mind was, _Then why were eyes more carefree at the studio until _I _yelled at her?_

SAM POV

It had been two weeks since the attempted suicide and Sam was happy with Angela and Mariana.

Angela and Mariana were such inspirations to Sam. They were both beautiful, strong, independent women that could've resorted to suicide but did not. They gave Sam strength. Sam connected with Junior as though he was her own brother. Their little house was being sustained well….until one fateful afternoon…

**CLIFFY! Review and you'll see what happens next!**


	7. Chapter 7

Monster Chapter 7

**A/N: Please note that this takes place about a month or two after the previous chapter. **

It was 7:00. Sam Puckett woke up brushed her teeth and changed her clothes – careful to not expose any skin.

It was 8:00. Sam Puckett sat in homeroom, staring blankly out the window, wondering where she would sit _today _at lunch.

It was 9:00. Sam Puckett finished her 10th math problem and struggled to answer the eleventh one.

It was 10:00. Sam Puckett scrawled down notes from her History teacher's lecture.

It was 11:00. Sam Puckett frowned at her physics worksheet before quickly restarting the light refraction problem.

It was 12:00. Sam Puckett grabbed a single slice of pizza and hid out in the girls' bathroom to eat alone.

It was 1:00. Sam Puckett completed the second lap of the mile, dragging her tiny feet and skinny legs as far as they could.

It was 2:00. Sam Puckett listened to her teacher drone on about subject-verb agreement.

It was 3:00. Sam Puckett began her walk to Angela's home, unaware of the person walking about 10 feet behind her.

It was 3:15. Sam Puckett saw Angela Simmons and Mariana for the last time.

Freddie sat in the back of the English class. He fidgeted nervously in his seat as he waited for the bell to ring. Ever since he and Carly had discovered what happened to Sam's mother, he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms. But patience was necessary in times like this. He remembered the conversation that Carly and he had during lunch when Sam was yet to be found after a mad dash out of the cafeteria with pizza:

"_Freddie," Carly began, "Should we try talking to Sam again? I mean, the last time we talked didn't turn out too well."_

_Freddie merely sighed, "Well, um, I was thinking of talking to her today-"_

_Carly grinned, "Great! We can find her today before she go-"_

"_Erm, well, I was planning on talking to her alone, "Freddie finished. Carly's face fell._

"_Oh, well, um, yeah, tell me how that goes. What are you planning to do anyways?"_

"_Well, I figured I could just follow her to wherever she lives now and that way-"Freddie was interrupted by the bell for next period loudly ringing. He sighed once more and bid adieu to Carly._

_As Freddie walked away, he faintly heard Carly say, "Good luck Freddie, you'll need it."_

Freddie's thoughts came to a close just as the final bell rang. _It's now or never, Freddie, _he thought. Sam quickly shoved all of her books into her schoolbag and walked quickly to her locker. Freddie was a flying mess of papers and books as he stuffed every book into his own pack. He had efficiently packed all of his homework from the morning into his backpack so he could easily follow Sam. After a quick stop at her locker, she carried on her way out of the school doors. Freddie's heart pounded nervously at the fear that Sam could turn her head at any moment and spot him. Luckily she remained with her head looking down at the sidewalk, as though she'd walked this route about a million times….

After a myriad of turns and twists and one very close encounter, the boy remained 10 feet behind Sam as they found their way to a tiny cottage. As a tall, beautiful blonde woman emerged with a boy that looked about 3 years old, he felt a pair of eyes on him. The blonde woman had seen him! He thought quickly and dodged behind a car that was parked in the driveway.

Sam reached Angela's house and the woman herself came out of the house. She beamed, "Hey Sam, how was school?" She glanced over where she thought she saw a boy with brown hair and a large backpack, but when she looked up again, he was gone.

Sam cracked a teeny smile, she'd been doing more of that lately, she replied, "It was okay. How was Junior?"

Angela threw her head back and laughed, "I don't see why you love him so much? Of course, _I _love him, but why do you?"

Sam touched Junior's sleeping forehead, "Because he's so innocent and beautiful. He's got this gorgeous brown hair and these pure, brown eyes. He's never had his heart broken, he's never been hurt, he's just so, he's just, He's everything I wish I had." Sam flicked her eyes down for a moment then back at Junior.

Angela's smile twitched a bit wider and she responded softly, "Tell you what; me and Mariana were just on our way out to pick up some things. Why don't you spend some time with Junior? I trust you, kid."

As Angela passed Junior to Sam's waiting arms, Mariana stepped out of the house. She whined jokingly, "Angela! I need to get food, I'm starved! Oh, hey, Sam!"

Sam merely grinned, "Hey!" and shifted her weight to accommodate Junior.

Angela rolled her eyes playfully and said, "See ya later, Sam. We should be back within one to two hours. Um, there's some stuff in the fridge, but we'll be back with more things. Uh, I think that's all, love you!" As Angela walked over to the car, she heard another rustling and she swore she saw the same boy dart behind the thick shrubbery.

"Bye Angie, Love you! Bye Mariana!" Sam shouted as she waved. The car backed up and rode off.

The teen boy was shaking as he stood up with uncertainty. A million ideas of popped into his brain of this situation going wrong. He opened his mouth.

Sam was just about to turn inside when a voice made her blood run cold. When the familiar vocals uttered her own name, time seemingly stopped. Her fingers began to go clammy and her heart seemed gallop right out her chest. Her body was visibly trembling when she heard him.

"_Sam." _

Fredward Benson stood there in her midst.

**CLIFFY! Please, please, please review! Thank you to my reviewers for last chapter! Guess what, I got over 800 views on the first day of last chapter, so thanks guys, SO much! It really is the best thing in the world to have a review so thank you so much! I hoped you liked this chapter. I was really trying to build up suspense so I hope it went well. Trust me, you do NOT want to miss next chapter...Until next time,**

**ccQTccQT**

**p.s. I got some really nasty reviews on one of my stories that really bothers me, so I decided not to continue it. I really wanted to, but that review along with other reasons, I can't continue it :( I just want to apologize to icarlyfreak because it was your story and I said I would finish it, but that review just got to me...I am deleting the story so you won't have to see them, but I'm just really sorry.  
**


	8. Chapter 8

Monster Chapter 8

A billion thoughts raced through Sam's mind. _What_ _do I do? Should I lie? Damn it, this baby isn't helping. Maybe I'll pretend I am Melanie? No, he'd see right through that. Maybe I can pretend Sam isn't my name? No, damn, I guess it's time to face the music._

"Sam?" Freddie repeated, hesitantly. He inched closer to her.

Sam attempted to speak, but her words caught in her throat. "H-how, w-wha-"

"Sam, it's me, Freddie," Freddie began cautiously. He inched a few steps closer.

"_Freddie,_" Sam whispered, the name rolling off her tongue without her consent. She snapped back into her senses. "H-how did you find me?"

Freddie looked down, "That's not important. What are you doing here, Sam? I mean, why didn't you tell us anything? I mean, Carly and me, we're supposed to be your best friends, right? I'm not mad, I promise, I just- I just think I deserve an explanation. I just want to know why you are here and what happened to your mother, and who were those ladies and I just-"

"Come inside, Freddie," Sam cut in softly, "Come in."

* * *

Freddie was surprised Sam had let him enter at all. His eyes scoped out the small abode. It was not too messy, but it was not the nicest of places either. As Sam led him to a couch, he noted the TV was playing softly in the background, drowned out by the baby's whimpering.

"So, were you, like, uh, pregnant?" Freddie began after an awkward silence.

Sam softly shook her head no before stating, "Let's make this clear though, I'm NOT answering everything and you have to SWEAR you won't tell Carly or anyone else a thing."

Freddie sighed, "Why, Sam? Why make this so difficult?"

Sam's eyes gazed long and hard into Freddie's, hoping to convey without speaking that she was terrified. After a long period of time, she replied, "No, I was NOT pregnant. This is not my kid."

Freddie breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank God…so whose is it?"

"It's my uh-sister's," Sam answered.

"MELANIE? That's insane! I thought she was the-" Freddie sputtered.

"Not Melanie, my half-sister….she's only a little bit older than us and her name's Angela Simmons."

"Huh?" Freddie muttered.

"Yeah, I, uh, met her the other day and she kinda took me in," Sam explained nervously.

"How'd you meet her?" Freddie inquired.

Sam's eyes flashed darkly, "That's another story, Freddie."

They were both silent for a while as Freddie studied Sam as she absentmindedly watched the news. She just looked so exhausted. Not the kind that you could cure with a long nap. Not the type that just needed a quick vacation to the Bahamas and be fixed. This exhaustion was the kind that was rooted much deeper. The kind that was haunted and hidden in the darkest and deepest parts of one's body. The kind that could take months or years to fully heal. Her blue eyes were guarded and dull. They were sad and remorseful and pained. Freddie was so busy studying Sam that he winced when he heard a loud gasp. Sam clutched her hand over her mouth and began whimpering heavily. Her eyes flooded up with tears.

Freddie immediately rushed over to Sam's side. "What's the matter?" he demanded. "What's wrong?"

Sam, instead, pushed Freddie off of her and groaned, "Not again…not again…I think I'm going to be SICK!" She bolted past to where Freddie presumed was the bathroom. Freddie glanced at the TV just in time to see the news story of a car crash on the highway. The victims were Angela Simmons and some lady named Mariana. Freddie's eyes widened in realization. He ran to where he saw Sam run to moments earlier. She was a sweaty mess on the floor, her hair was tied in a sloppy bun and the toilet bowl was full if her earlier meals.

Freddie hesitantly sat beside her, "S-Sam?"

Sam's eyes were closed and her head leaned against the toilet. Tears streamed relentlessly down her face. She murmured, "Do you, d-do you ever feel, feel like just-just giving up?"

Freddie gasped, "SAM! W-what-"

"What if this is a sign, t-that, it's all over. S-she's gone, Freddie. S-she's all I ever had left. And now she's, she's g-gone," Sam mumbled, eyes still closed.

Freddie felt his own eyes begin to fill with tears, "S-sam! N-NEVER say that, okay? Don't you DARE! Okay, you have Carly, Spencer, Melanie, and you have ME, Sam!"

But Sam just shook her head, "No, Freddie, don't you see. I'm just ruining everyone's life, I-I don't deserve anyone. Everytime I get i-involved with a-anything, well, i-it never goes right. I-I'm unnecessary. I-I'm a life ruiner." She opened her eyes, but she didn't meet Freddie's eyes. She whispered, "I'm a monster."

Freddie pleaded, "Sam, PLEASE, y-you can't be serious! This is NOT your fault, Sam. Y-you're NOT a life-ruiner, you-"

"It's okay, Freddie," Sam grumbled darkly, "You don't have to lie for my sake. You're so sweet, you know that? But you don't need to spare me. You don't have to….You don't need to…You don't….you don't….."

Sam awoke on the couch. Freddie sat beside her, his eyes red, his face worried. Junior was evidently asleep. "F-freddie?" she murmured.

"Sam? SAM! Oh god, you're awake! I was so worried, I wasn't sure, I didn't know what happened to you," Freddie exclaimed.

"So, it wasn't all a bad dream, huh?" Sam whispered.

Freddie sat beside her, "Sam, I'm so sorry." He turned her head so that he could look right into her eyes. "I want to help you, Sam, but you NEED to tell me what happened."

Sam took a deep breath and replied, "I'm sorry, Freddie. But, I just can't. Not now, at least. I-I just n-need some space, okay? For a while, I'm going to need you and Carly to leave me alone, okay please? For the little sanity I have left!"

"No, SAM! Goddammit, why do you have to make everything so hard? We are your goddamn friends and we want to HELP you! Why is that so foreign for you? We miss you! Why won't you just come to us, confide in us? Do you not trust us or something?"

Sam answered, "You _know _that it's not-"

"Do I? Do I, Sam? Because we don't know anything that's happening to you! We just want to be there for you and you won't let us do that!" Freddie exclaimed.

"GOOD! Because I ruin everything! The sooner you guys forget about me the better. I love you guys too much to hurt you anymore! Trust me, this is best for everyone," Sam cried.

"H-how can you say that?" Freddie replied both angry and sad.

"Freddie," Sam began.

"You know what? FINE! I-I don't know why we tried for so long. Me and Carly have been trying for so long, but, you obviously don't want us. I-I'm sorry, Sam. But, I can't keep doing this. I-I'm done," Freddie shouted. As he stormed out of the door, he whispered over his shoulder, "You're weak, you know that? Not facing whatever 'it' is makes you weak. Call us when the real Sam comes back."

Sam wiped tears that she didn't were there as she hoarsely whispered, "Goodbye, Freddie."

* * *

Carly demanded as soon as she saw Freddie return to Bushwell Plaza, "How'd it go? Where's Sam? What happened?"

Freddie just growled, "Our Sam, she's gone. There was just some blonde who looked like her."

* * *

**1 Week Later**

"Freddie, _please! _Just take me to the place where you followed Sam to. I'm telling you, I can talk to her. PLEASE!" Carly pleaded with Freddie one day as the bell rang. Sam hadn't been in school that whole week and Freddie suspected why. Carly had been begging to see Sam but Freddie blatantly refused.

Freddie sighed, "Fine. You know what, FINE! But when it fails, I'll say I told you so."

Carly smiled hopefully, "C'mon, Freddie. Let's go."

* * *

Carly and Freddie were aghast at the sight in front of them. They had reached the spot where Freddie was a week earlier. They had hiked through the turns and trails only to find a horrifying sight. There were no birds, no animals, and no sunshine. Just overcast. A soft, but uncomfortable wind blew slightly to the left, drying Carly's tears. Freddie couldn't cry. He couldn't comprehend. His mouth opened slightly. The sight in front of them was a blackened mess. A blackened mess of cinders and ashes.

* * *

Not too far away, a teenage girl lay in a ditch, tenderly hugging a small, coughing baby boy.


End file.
